i wrote this for my psych 101 class..la lang..i just feel like posting this...im so tamad to write these days eh...

Me?! At 75?!

I still couldn’t imagine myself after I graduate and now this.

It is a difficult task and yet fun to think so and reflect on the possibilities of what would I become when I am old. Would I grow fat? Would my skin sag? Would my future husband still find me attractive? Better yet, would I end up an old maid? The questions racing through my mind are endless the moment my teacher gave this as an assignment. I don’t have the answers either. It’s just so hard to think of my future in times likes this that I still don’t know what directions to take.

At 75, I would probably look like my lola. That is, fat. That is the most probable thing to happen to me since all my titas and lolas are on the heavy side. But then, I vowed to myself that would never happen. I want it better if I could maintain the figure I have now. In that way, my future husband granting he’d be alive by then would still have his eyes on me. J I would probably still be “beautiful”(yeah right..) for true beauty never fades. Sure, skin would sag, more lines visible, dry skin and all. All manifestations of old, I would surely have and experience.

I wouldn’t let any beauty doctors(surgeons) touch me. I honestly wouldn’t let them regain my young looks. Surgery actually came to my mind but that is one thing I really wouldn’t do. It is my philosophy that I show my real age. If I am young, I’ve got to show I’m young. And when I’m old, I obviously got to show that I am really aging. I don’t wanna be called “trying hard” when that time comes. Health doctors should only be my friends for I know that my body would eventually tire and deteriorate. Rheumatixm, heart attacks, cancer and even Alzheimer’s disease perhaps? Any illness could strike me when I’m aging. One thing for sure, I’ll start living a healthy life at this age so sickness would be prevented and not afflict me.

How I wish I could still do in the future whatever I can do now. At this age, I now find it hard to run and I tire easily. I would always wish that I were a kid again, to be able to run like there’s no tomorrow. So if you ask me how’s my health gonna be like, I don’t know. I would wanna know. Probably all sickly. It is such a scary thought.

I remember a friend asking me I would still be kikay when we grow old. I said yes. This is one thing that I would never forget in my life. And that is to be presentable all the time. I would obviously need that when I’m 75 so as not to look like a poor and weak lola. But my preferences would just be different---mature should I say. No matter what, I would be a “lola fashionista”. J

Reah at 75.Old.Weak.Still nice. Mother. Wife. The greatest of them all is being a grandmother to many beautiful and bright kids. This is something to look forward to, more exciting ever than having a husband. I would want to live as long as the Lord allows me to live just to witness and be with my future grandchildren. It is probably amazing to see you own fruits. That is a sight to see and a moment to behold. Kids calling me Lola Yang. I promise myself that I would be a very good lola.

75 years old??? That would be 56 years from now. Such a long way to go. But I hope I reach that old, old age. God-willing, that long life…sagging skin, health deteriorating, irritable…would not be wasted away. Many things would still happen before I reach that age. But for now, all I need to do is enjoy life to the fullest and excitedly look forward to a beautiful ahead of me.J

posted by: blueberry010 at July 29, 2004 14:27 | link | comments |

You don’t love me, do you?

 

I always believed that I am so loved by the people around me. I am so used to the attention they give me. My friends envy me ‘coz they think everybody really loves me. But I don’t know about you. I think you love me but only out of obligation. 

 

I wonder…are you grateful that you have me around? Maybe you just accepted the fact that we can do nothing about it. We’re tied. Forever.

 

You are the only person that made me hate myself and someone so much in my life. This isn’t hate-HATE. But hatred that stems from so much anger. And after a good cry, I’d be back to my old forgiving self then love you again.

 

(My love for you is always there anyway. Always.)

 

I still haven’t told you that I love you. I wonder if you yearn to hear me say that.  I honestly think you don’t appreciate me. I never felt it. Never heard you. Not a single word.

 

We laugh. We share stories. We pray. But I don’t really know how you feel for me.

 

I am deeply embarrassed for having to write this. I feel it’s so unnecessary. So childish. I’m sorry but fingers just wont stop. My tears won’t stop. So much trying for trying to be strong. For pretending to be tough.

 

I am loved. I am appreciated.

Much. By others but you.

 

I hate this feeling. I don’t want to think and feel this way. It was just one argument but I was deeply hurt and I still am. I’m fed up with your disrespect.

 

Don’t tell me it’s so unchristian of me. You just don’t know how much I struggle inside. I am in this situation that I know you’ll never understand. I know how you feel about the situation but my position now is different. It is so much hurting.

 

The Lord knows that I love you. That I’m grateful I have you in my life. I know we’d be okay. Things will be alright. But just so you know how I feel, I am writing this. You are reading this. And most probably, the word also is.

 

I love you. I may hate you sometimes but good thing they pass. Forgive me as I forgive you. As God forgives us.

 

All I need is a little RESPECT. A little LOVE. A little APPRECIATION.

 

Just a LITTLE. 

posted by: blueberry010 at July 22, 2004 20:26 | link | comments (5) |

God is a gracious God.  He is a God of Grace. He abounds in grace. This is more than forgiving, forgetting, and receiving love. Grace is more than that.

            Grace. Unmerited. I receive though I am unworthy.

                        Grace.

                                    Because of grace, I write these.

posted by: blueberry010 at July 22, 2004 11:33 | link | comments |

63004

Being a Christian thru accepting Christ as Lord and Saviour is not all part of Christianity. One needs to be sanctified in order for one to see and hear God. It is only thru His grace that we can come to His presence even if we feel dirty and unworthy. Even if we do good things, those aren’t enough and can never make us whole before God. It is through humbling ourselves and admitting that we couldn’t do it if it weren’t for the strength given to us by the Father. He wants to see the pure hearts of His people---cleansed and sanctified. It is a continuing process. The God of hope is not finished with us yet so we need to be patient with ourselves and with others. God longs to see His people come to Him humbled but dignified. It is through the knowledge of the presence of God in our lives that we can live and be aware when we are becoming sinful. His presence enables us to think first before acting upon our impulse.

posted by: blueberry010 at July 21, 2004 15:35 | link | comments |
the walk

41504

I am a child of God. I am free. Was a slave but was set free by the blood of the Lamb. I no longer live in bondage. God wills for me to be with His people---to dwell in His house forever.

posted by: blueberry010 at July 20, 2004 13:41 | link | comments |
the walk

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God’s holiness is something I want to emulate in my life. But achieving that is far from possible because He is holy and man can never become one apart from the grace of God. Even if I try hard enough to become like Him, it can never be because He is deity and I am human. He is the perfect designer and model of humans. To live a righteous and holy life is to soak in God’s presence so one should be aware when he/she is already sinning. It’s possible that one foot is set on the heavens while the other on earth.

posted by: blueberry010 at July 18, 2004 20:40 | link | comments (1) |
the walk

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! This is killing me! I don’t have the energy and the wisdom to put my thoughts into writing. I’m always compelled to blog about my reflections but I just can’t seem to organize them. I actually thought of putting an end to this. But no, I have to have this. I have to practice my writing skills. I have so many things I wanna share. But I guess, it’s just a phase. This blog will turn 1 next month. Great huh? One year of blogging. One year of so many realizations. One year…just 1 year. I wonder when I’ll stop this? 

 

Since I’m disoriented, here are snippets of my life lately:

 

Ø       I’ll still a BUM. I’m still not taking my job-hunting seriously. I’m waiting for that one job that I like. They said I’m already on the shortlist. Great. I’m the youngest. I’m  the one with the least experiences(they need at least with 5 yrs). Great. There are 3 of us from UP. Two positions are available. Great. Plus, they prefer IE of HRM graduates. Great. Please pray for me peeps. The competition is tough.

Ø       I realized that I already NEED to WORK. Money’s coming slowly. I HAVE to get real and stop pretending that everything’s REALLY okay. But don’t worry about me, I’m still surviving. I’m so much grateful for the people tapped by the Lord to bless us. Smile. Ü

Ø       I turned 21 last Sunday. Celebrated at The Heritage Hotel. Duh…it wasn’t really my celebration but my tita’s who turned 65. But I’m glad my cousins were there. It was such a riot. My lola together with the other oldies danced Pamela Wan and Bulaklak. Hahaha! Imagine them, all fat and old, wearing grass skirts, bra tops, lei, and flowers on their heads. I couldn’t stop laughing during their dance number. They were so cute. Galing! I was just amazed that my lola who’s 75 can still groove to the beat. Very entertaining really. I actually kidded my cousins that someday, we’ll do things like that. Hahaha! No way. By the way, it wasn’t the first time that my lola and old relatives did that. Hahahaha!

Ø       Things are coming up roses for me and S. He had the courage to ask my dad if he could treat me out(alright..i am so obvious). But whatda, it was just so nice that he’s got so much respect for me and my parents. I don’t want it to be a secret (we just went out okay..legally..) I just want our parents to know what’s happening so they could properly guide us. I am so much grateful for whatever God, the Greatest Author, is doing.

Ø       I’ve been staying at my sister’s apartment more than my home. I enjoy helping them out. My nephew Nav is getting bigger and smarter. I just love looking out for him. My longing to become a mother and a wife is just getting stronger. I want it sooner. But nah, so impossible. I’m too young. I need to do a lot of things first for myself and my family. That’ll come I know. I just know it. PTL Ü

Ø       I just learned that I can be OC sometimes. Haha!     

 

 

I said I can’t organize my thoughts? Yeah right. Some snippets. Ang haba naman.  Hahaha!

posted by: blueberry010 at July 15, 2004 15:26 | link | comments |
snippets